Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Matthew 5:9 (TNIV)
What are your feelings towards conflict at work?
How do you handle dominant people?
When does robust discussion become conflict in a team?
Opposites attack! But so do two very similar people! Conflict can arise everywhere there is difference. Difference is not the same as wrong.
When you are in a conflict what outcome are you looking for?
A resolution to the conflict! But what does that really mean?
Always aim to WIN PEOPLE not issues.
Yet very, very infrequently the issue is greater than personalities.
Tools for resolving conflict:
Resolving a conflict might seem obvious enough a goal but it is not always clear in what way we should resolve it. Here are a few tools people use.
Competing – win!
Collaborating – win/win. This is the hardest one to learn. Few observable role models?
Compromising – middle ground
Avoiding – delay
Accommodating – yield
How to resolve conflicts
Assume positive intent. (ignorance and mistakes rather than malice)
Calm down. Get over the offence. Get it out of your system – DON’T OBSESSIVELY FOCUS ON IT.
If the issue is touching a sensitive personal area of your life, make a note of it and try to deal with it or make some time to work on it later. Try not to take issues from other conflicts into this conflict.
Don't talk about it all around – you could cause factions and make it worse.
Who goes? You go.
Go and talk between you – face to face
If that doesn't work then you might need a mediator or a higher authority to come in and aid you to resolve the problem.
Passivity vs Assertiveness vs Aggression. You have needs and rights as does the other person. You need to seek to express your needs and rights in a way that respects the other person's rights and needs. You need to allow the other person express themselves likewise.
Seek first to understand then to be understood. The two people arguing problem.
Use I statements. “I feel____ (taking responsibility for one's own feelings) when you_____ (stating the behaviour that is a problem) because____ (what it is about the behaviour or its consequences that one objects to) I’d appreciate it if you would_____ (offering a preferred alternative to the behaviour)
Avoiding Never and Always.
After understanding the problem fully a solution may suggest itself. Synergistic solutions can often appear here! It is gratifying when you can turn antagonism into synergy.
Two ladies and one orange problem.
(2 lady missionaries had been in the field many years. In all that time they had never seen an orange(This must be Sompting ,Sussex?). The day an orange arrived on the boat both ladies wanted it very much. They divided it between them. One missionary squeezed all the juice(about a third of a glass) drank it wistfully --and chucked the peel. The second missionary grated the peel to make her favourite cake, wished there was more peel- and discarded the rest of the orange. )
Phrases that are hard to say but can make a huge difference:
I am sorry.
I was wrong.
Please forgive me.
How to make conflicts much much worse...
You may end up in a worse state! And/or fired!
Conflicts that you can't resolve (despite trying)
In a year or so after the feelings have subsided, take some time to reflect on the situation tp learn from it.
Strengths and Weaknesses that ADHD sufferers can bring into conflicts
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2998551 (Assertiveness and Assertiveness Training)
http://tutorials.freeskills.com/read/category/recent/id/430 (Assertiveness Techniques)